this silly dream

I used to have this silly dream

That you’d call me

Or surprise me

On my birthday

That your reason for ignoring my request

For our portrait

That I left behind

Would become clear

But now I know

That this dream

Is really only that:

A dream

There will be no call

There will be no surprise

There will be no happy ending

To this otherwise sad love story

That you’re not coming back

Not now, not ever

And what I’m left with

Are my mistakes

And my memories

Of how I loved you

And how I love you

And as I learn

And continue to grow

I’ll feel so proud of myself

For how far I’ve come

And at what price I paid

Each milestone felt

Will be bittersweet

Because of you

It should’ve been for you

It was because of you.

I used to have this silly dream

That you’d call me

Or surprise me

On my birthday

That your reason for ignoring my request

For our portrait

That I left behind

Would become clear

You’d say “hi”

In the small way that you do

And I’d say “hi” back

We’d stare nervously at each other

Not sure what to do next

Slowly we’d start to talk

And it would feel like we’d never stopped

We’d talk about our summers

And our exploits

Smiling nervously at each other

Eventually it would become silent

Until one of us says to the other

“I’ve missed you”

And the other would say

“I’ve missed you, too”

“I still love you”

“What happens next?”

“I don’t know”

And we’d sit

With tears forming in our eyes

Eventually you’ll get up to leave

And I’ll ask if it’s okay that we hug

And we do.

And we do.

And we do.