the single woman

I think I’m realizing that for the first time in, maybe ever, I don’t want to be single.

That’s not to say that I want to start dating again, because I don’t.

I’m just in a place right now I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to start over with someone else.

Meet their friends and family.

I have zero curiosity in any of that.

In the past, after a breakup, I always relished in my time alone; gaining my energy back.

And I would want to start dating again. Because I was curious, I wanted to find better, I was excited.

But now, I don’t want anything to change.

I don’t want it to be a difference voice that I hear when I call.

I don’t want it to be different friends that I get to know.

You once said that I never felt comfortable with you or in our relationship. But that isn’t true.

Things happened and were experienced that caused pain and confusion and uncertainty.

But you always felt like home.

I’ve turned away from relationships over a lot less.

But you made me want to stay.

You made me want to push through it.

Only I didn’t always do my best . And I didn’t always pause long enough to remind myself what all was at stake. If it were to disappear.

Until it did.

And now here I am, in a place I don’t want to be.

In a place where you aren’t here with me.

I don’t want to be single.

I don’t want to date.

I don’t want to go backwards.

I just want to curl up in bed, next to you.