when I’m at my worst.

When I’m at my worst, I am ugly both inside and out. I’m impatient and sensitive and prickly and sad.

When I’m at my worst, I’m extra hard on myself and can’t understand how anyone would want to be around me. I take up too much space and everything I do and say is wrong. I’m convinced no one likes me very much and am convinced everyone is pulling away.

When I’m at my worst, I can get out of bed but it doesn’t go much further from there. I’m not very good at showering or getting much done throughout the day. I’m distracted and unmotivated and easily frustrated.

When I’m at my worst, I hurt others. My fears and insecurities bleed out onto them. I watch them get hurt by me as if I’m in the audience watching a show that I’m not even a part of.

When I’m at my worst, everyone else is happy. Their lives and relationships seem stable and strong. They seem like better people. People I want to be.

When I’m at my worst, I feel like I should be alone in life. That it’s only a matter of time before everyone realizes I’m a sinking ship and should get off it while they can.

When I’m at my worst, I eat like shit. I don’t cook my own food and I eat too much of it. I drink too much alcohol and not enough water.

When I’m at my worst, everything seems too hard. The obvious solutions are impossible to achieve. I feel like I’ve failed before I’ve even begun to try.

When I’m at my worst, I want to be held and also left alone. I want to be comforted but not pitied. I want to feel loved and not like a burden.

When I’m at my worst, my face doesn’t look familiar. When I look at photos of me at my best, I’m unrecognizable.

When I’m at my worst, I blame my shitty actions on other people. And I’m too fragile and stubborn to say “I’m sorry”. I’m manipulative and I’m an asshole.

When I’m at my worst, I feel dead inside. I’m unable to experience joy or laughter even when I know I should be experiencing it.

When I’m at my worst, I am the very biggest fuck up.

I’m not always at my worst. But lately I have been. It’s alienating and exhausting and lonely down here. It’s like climbing up a dark well only to slip back down every so often. Some spots are more slippery than others while some have strong footholds. But all you can do is climb. You so badly want to feel better again but your brain is so loud that you can’t even think for yourself. You want your relationships to be happy and healthy, for your connections to feel stable and secure. You try so hard to do the right thing only to fall backwards and fuck up somehow by saying something hurtful or doing something neglectful. You know who you are when you’re at your best but that person feels so unachievable right now.

It will get better.